If I Had a for Every Funny Caption
You know how the maxim goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And in that location's so much truth to that quondam adage. If yous're having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a little auspicious upwardly, humor can help ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This drove of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that smile and turn around someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is y'all!) We've got funny quotes nearly love, marriage, aging, parenting, and and so many more relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even merely to impress and hang above your desk to serve as a lilliputian reminder that life's not that serious — and we're all much ameliorate off laughing so we don't weep!
These funny quotes come up from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. Y'all'll too find laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-merely-oh-so-wise movies similar Steel Magnolias. So savor our list and bookmark it to come dorsum to anytime yous need a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Cheque out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes About Life
1. "Life is short. Drive fast and get out a sexy corpse. That'south one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
2. "At that place is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me upward to come across it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—Westward.C. Fields
4. "People say money is not the central to happiness, merely I accept ever figured if you have enough money, you lot can have a key fabricated."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Practise not take life likewise seriously. You will never go out of information technology alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
vi. "I generally avert temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae W
vii. "Sometimes you prevarication in bed at dark and you don't take a single matter to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that nosotros live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
9. "I'm killing fourth dimension while I wait for life to shower me with significant and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "Yous only alive one time, only if you do it right, in one case is enough."
―Mae West
eleven. "If at first y'all don't succeed, effort, effort over again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about information technology."
―Due west.C. Fields
12. "I beloved mankind... it's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles Grand. Schulz
13. "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his power."
―Oscar Wilde
14. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Like shooting fish in a barrel. Both. I want people to be agape of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
fifteen. "2 things are infinite: the universe and homo stupidity. And I'm non sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
sixteen. "When life gives yous lemons, eject someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It'due south the transition that'south troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
nineteen. "I have a lot of growing up to exercise. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just desire to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Role
21. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I call back, 'Would an idiot practise that?' And if they would, I do non practice that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Part
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what y'all can do the 24-hour interval afterwards tomorrow but every bit well."
—Marker Twain
23. "I'g non crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you lot know what they say: If you don't have anything prissy to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea handbag: You can't tell how strong she is until yous put her in hot h2o."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people desire to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will have the bus with you when the limo breaks downward."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Any women practice they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I beverage to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see united states of america happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When yous're in jail, a good friend will exist trying to bail you out. A all-time friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'm non offended past blonde jokes because I know I'thou non dumb. And I also know that I'chiliad not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I tin run across it: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the Metropolis
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women get shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental affliction. Think of your three all-time friends. If they're OK, then information technology's you." —Rita Mae Brownish
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. Just they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste product their time pondering whether a glass is one-half empty or half total. Me, I just potable any's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't care what they say nearly me. I just want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Part
38. "Don't waste material so much time thinking about how much y'all weigh. In that location is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Fifty-fifty I don't wake upwards looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
forty. "I don't trust anyone who does their ain hair. I don't think information technology's natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Aging
41. "The secret of staying young is to alive honestly, swallow slowly, and prevarication nigh your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Love, time marches on and somewhen you realize information technology is marchin' across your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You know you've reached middle age when you lot're cautioned to slow downward by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you stay looking so young?' I say, well, expert lighting, skillful doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, you didn't ask me for my stance, but I'chiliad old, so I'm giving information technology anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
46. "No affair how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you lot sag, become over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Aureate Girls
47. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you lot're down at that place." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As you go older, three things happen. The commencement is your memory goes, and I tin't remember the other 2."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes Nigh Spousal relationship
50. "Before yous marry a person, y'all should beginning brand them use a estimator with boring Internet service to run across who they actually are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women ally men hoping they will modify. Men ally women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you practice, but do yous have to do so much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Dear is blind but marriage is a real middle-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The underground to a long matrimony is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The all-time way to get almost husbands to exercise something is to advise that perhaps they're too quondam to exercise it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "As a man in a relationship, you lot have a unproblematic selection. You can either be right, or y'all can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every great man is a adult female rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Curt Funny Quotes
59. "The only matter worse than existence talked virtually is not being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde
lx. "The older you become, the meliorate you get. Unless yous're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you tin't be kind, at to the lowest degree be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells y'all money tin't buy happiness never had whatsoever."
—Samuel Fifty. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Beak Watterson
64. "Don't be so humble — you are not that great."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a practiced chance to close up."
―Volition Rogers
66. "I've had great success being a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that make yous happy within the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Become to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Marker Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
seventy. "Don't go effectually proverb the world owes y'all a living. The world owes you nothing. It was hither commencement."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the all-time."
―Winston S. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to exercise are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high route and how high information technology should exist should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless y'all're in the woods and you lot're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who think they know everything are a slap-up annoyance to those of u.s.a. who do."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a homo who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't buy you lot happiness, but information technology can buy you a yacht large enough to pull up correct alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave us two ends: Ane to sit on and the other to recollect with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes Most Parenting
80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I apply a squeamish, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. And so I want to motility in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your business firm while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk earlier it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is not easy being a female parent. If information technology were like shooting fish in a barrel, fathers would do it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are always request children what they desire to exist when they grow upwardly considering they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are non spending plenty time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such matter as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom practice the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes Near Work
88. "Everything I take I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, ho-hum, amazing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An function is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An role is a identify where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office
xc. "And so this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the take a chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I detest housework. Y'all make the beds, you wash the dishes and 6 months subsequently you have to beginning all again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like piece of work. It fascinates me. I tin sit and await at it for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I always arrive late at the function, but I make up for it past leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The only thing that ever saturday its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "Y'all can't have a 1000000-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All y'all need in this life is ignorance and conviction — then success is sure."
—Mark Twain
100. "Even if you are on the right track, you lot will go run over if you just sit in that location."
—Will Rogers
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